The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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