Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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