moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
