I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
