How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
