you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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