apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
