officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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