Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
