Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
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i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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