Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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