some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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