my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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