Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
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After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
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Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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