I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
