i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
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I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm just crazy horny about you
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I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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