I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
