Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
