the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
