I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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