Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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