Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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