OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
