I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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