3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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