Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
