Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
