Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
