last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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