I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
