I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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