$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
