I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
