The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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