I'm pants shitting drunk right now
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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