I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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