i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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