Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
