mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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