I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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