im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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