Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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