yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
