U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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