The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
