I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw