I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
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