Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
