I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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