so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
