well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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