Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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