I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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