so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
